DavidMues's Xanga

Kansas: The gayest thing on a football field since the Prince halftime show.

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 23:11:54 GMT

I've got one thing to say to any Kansas fans out there:

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and in this case most of those words describe how much Kansas sucks. Welcome to real football kiddos. No matter how many high school football teams you beat, you will never be as good as Missouri.

And seriously...

The traditional sunflower formation and dance routine? W. T. F. Did a 8 year old girl come up with your pregame show?
I honestly just thought that when you guys were flailing around after finally scoring 40 minutes into the game it was because it had been so long since you had a winning season that you forgot how to cheer. But then I hear from someone that its supposed to be fields of grain or corn or wheat or some other awesome past-time of Kansas. The fact that you did it on purpose as a testament to your agricultural prowess is just disturbing.

That being said, thanks for padding your schedule and getting so highly ranked right before playing us. Not only was it fun to crush your perfect season dreams, but without it, we might be number 2 instead of number 1 right now. See you next year fellas. Rock Chalk, Chicken Hawk, FKU!

Instant Facebook Messaging

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 05:17:26 GMT

One of my favorite things is when I'm browsing facebook and someone sends me a note in the middle of my session. I love this because I can send one right back and about 90% of the time it turns a medium that is the equivalent of email into an awkward instant messaging program. Nothing passes the time like clicking refresh every 10 seconds to make sure you didnt miss the last message. The only real problem is that facebook sends you an email every time you recieve a message on facebook, so if you have a 20 minute conversation, your inbox looks like this:

Needless to say, I was suprised at first to see that I had 29 new messages when I had just checked my email 20 minutes ago. That feeling was soon depressed by the dissappointment that 28 of them were from the conversation I had and the other 1 was from a lady who claims to have intimate knowledge about the size of my what-nots and would like to sell me some drugs. What would I do without you facebook? I'd probably have no reason to have an email account at all. I've gotten to the point where email is just a convenient way of knowing everything that happened to me on facebook.

Its like winning a nobel piece prize... only better.

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 04:27:38 GMT

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe I can say that I have a new greatest accomplishment for my life. I proudly present to you some of my best work ever:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5645636200477282071

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2896069387176671858

Yes, my friends, you know you've made it when your friend tells you he found you on google video doing the "Superman That Ho" dance drunk at a tailgate. It's a bit dark, but its still a fine piece of cinema. The audio in the background really captures the moment. I can honestly say that this is probably some of my best work. I did the entire thing without putting down or spilling the beer in my hand. I can guarantee that my father will never be this proud of me ever again.

It's about time.

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 06:17:50 GMT

I hate to jinx it people, but I think fall might actually be arriving at last. I happened to go on yahoo weather this evening and found this:

Finally. Highs less than 70 degrees in the forecast. Now I don't mind the insane heat when its summer because I can always go swimming or just stay inside. But when classes come arround, it really sucks to get home after a few hours of lecture and have to change shirts because you feel like you're wearing a wet sack. I would also submit that the suckiness increases exponentially as the year goes onward and the expected temperatures decrease. To illustrate my point, I've drawn the following figure.

As you can see, my tolerance of insane heat peaks sometime in July. I believe this is due to the combination of it being socially acceptable to walk around without a shirt on and the fact that the number of girls walking around in swimsuits also peaks in that month. To illustrate this point, I've drawn a second figure with a pink trendline indicating the number of girls walking around in swimsuits:

The sharp jump at the end of october is due to the shameless exhibitionism that has become synonomous with Halloween. God bless you ladies. You dress up as little clothing as you think you can get away with and not freeze to death, and we dress up as the ad-sheet hobos or pirates.

Mizzou: 41 - Nebraska: 6

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 16:21:00 GMT

Probably the best day in football history. An 8 o'clock kickoff providing a solid 8 hours of bar hopping and tailgating, followed by the most lop-sided thrashing I've ever seen at a football game since my freshman year at Rolla where we started cheering for the other team to get more than 99 points and confuse the two digit scoreboard. Here are some of my favorite lines out of the local papers:

A successful fake field goal when MU already led by 28 points in the fourth quarter was the sort of extended-middle-finger play call normally saved for a team’s most bitter rival. At last check, that rival is still Kansas, but Nebraska runs second these days. This victory played well with the locals, especially those old enough to remember being on the opposite end of the scoreboard for, oh, pretty much the entirety of the 1980s and ’90s.

The last kick to the hindquarters was the fake field goal with 12:52 left - a 10-yard shovel pass from holder Tommy Saunders to Rucker that provided the final margin in the most lopsided win over Nebraska since 1947. The sea of gold loved that last piece of mischief and amused itself for the rest of the evening by doing the wave, which was interrupted on each trip around Memorial Stadium’s bowl by the sections of departed Nebraska fans. This one is slightly inaccurate as there were still a small number of Nebraskans left, which made it all the more fun to boo them every time the wave came around to their section and they tried to kill it.

Life may be short, but its also too long to spend the enitre time doing things.

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 03:58:02 GMT

The best thing about rainy days is the fact that you can stay inside and acomplish all those things that you haven't gotten arround to doing... but instead you spend the whole day in your boxers watching the entire fourth season of Scrubs.

A Tribute to both a Great Show and A Great Friend

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 05:48:25 GMT

As history has shown, the greatest achievements of all time have come from a combination of two of the worlds most powerful forces: boredom and beer. This last week was no exception. About a week ago, Craig and I were sitting around with nothing to do but needing to kill a few hours. So, doing what any red-blooded, American, college student would do, we cracked open a few beers and started flipping through channels on the TV. As luck would have it, we happened to turn on the office and catch the eppisode where Jim, annoyed by Dwight's dickish personality, encases Dwight's stapler in the center of a jello mold. It was spectacular. And as I watched that jiggly monument to pranksters everywhere land on the table, I jumped up from my recliner with eyes lit up like a christmas tree. As I turned to Craig, I could tell both of our brains were turning the same cogs, because he was staring back at me with the same excited expression and shaking his head up and down. "Yessss," I said, "we are definately doing that to someone's something. Right. Now. Fan out and find something." It was at that moment that we began our adventure into the unknown realm of jello and tomfoolary. Eventually, we decided to sacrifice our friend Pat's stapler to the cause. Our reasoning? First, he left town and didn't really say goodbye (this may or may not be true but it is what we decided after 3 or 4 beers). Second, his was the first stapler we found. 2 hours and about $6.00 later, the results were, I dare say, amazing. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves:

The finest jello 30 cents a pack can buy. (We used 7)

Our freshly poured prank.

The jello solidifies.

Me using a knife to free the jello.

The mold pop's out, but is slightly off center. Fun fact: Jello is hard to slide.

Me and Craig admiring our handiwork.

The End!

Why do over 2 weeks what you can cram into one night?

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 04:07:16 GMT

Reason #52 that my professor might realize I did my entire paper the night before it was due:

One of the sources used in my paper was written after the original due date and the morning before the paper was due. Also, when citing the paper, you are supposed to write the date that you accessed the site. Since it was 5 A.M. and I wasn't thinking clearly, I hovered the mouse over the little clock to get the current date... and then actually put the date that the paper was due as the date I viewed the page.

Finally, I think I may have spilled vault energy drink on page 5.

Text Messaging, Not Text Conversationing

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 15:47:38 GMT

Ever since some companies started offering unlimited text messaging for a certain monthly fee, people seem to think that they desperately need to get their money's worth out of it. Don't get me wrong, I like a good text message now and then when the situation calls for it. Say if you need to call someone but can't because you're stuck in a class or meeting or a vacuum tube where vocal sound is impossible. A discrete text message can solve your problem without interupting the flow of the environment around you. However, now people have gotten to the point that they text more than they actually talk on their phone. Well I've got news for you people: that shit ain't free for me. So here are some basic guidelines to consider before sending me a text message.

1) First of all, what time of day is it? Am I probably in class or at work? Could I be asleep and you want to give me the option of not picking up? These are both perfectly acceptable times when a text message might be more polite. However, if its 7 PM and you're sending me a text message, the only message that I'm getting from you is: "I want to impart information on you, but I don't want to have to talk to you. Assclown."

2) Is there a high probability of your message necesitating a response on my end or could it possibly result in a long string of questions or conversation? There is nothing worse than getting a text message that makes no sense and having to send a response text just to figure out what the hell is going on. At most, texting should be a 2 text string. An initial text and a response. If you want to have a conversation about it, call me. I swear that I'm probably not too busy for it. Otherwise, were having a 2 dollar, 15 minute conversation that could have been done in 2 minutes for free.

3) If you have sent me a text question and I have replied back, there is no need for a confirmation text message. It is not worth a dime to open my phone and read "OK". If you recieved a text back from, odds are I know you sent me a message and I know you got mine back. Were not launching a nuke via telephone, so there is no need for a synchronous duel key confirmation.

4) Text Messaging is not the same thing as Instant Messaging. This is by far the most important thing to remember. When instant messaging, I'm a lot more willing to put up with your one complete (hopefully) thought broken up over 8 or 9 messages because its free. However, when you are costing me 10 cents per golden nugget of textual wisdom, our goal is to have the highest Information Content to Cost Ratio. Rather than send me your thought in a 10 part epic mini-series, try to squeeze it all into one message. They give you 150 characters in every message. Use them.

From now on, anyone finding themselves in violation of these rules of ettiquite will find themselve black-listed from text message response. Please... text responsibly.

Victory for Equality Everywhere!

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 21:11:36 GMT

Ladies and gentlemen, today marks a momentous occasion in the history of mankind. A turning point in the battle for equality. A day that will someday going down in the history books as the day it all started. Today, I saw, for the first time in my life, an Ad-Sheet WOMAN! After years of what I can only imagine was dedicated training and fighting for her basic freedoms, she finally broke through the barriers and into the once male dominated world of degrading careers. She has single handedly raised the glass cieling by wedging advertisements beneath the supports.

Thanks to her efforts, women can now spend a day shouting to strangers and being mocked by college students. Thanks to this woman's dedication to a dream, women can now enjoy the same working conditions as a hobo. Because one woman dared to live to her potential, all of woman-kind can now proudly stand up and say... "AD-SHEET!! Get yur Ad-Sheet!" In fact, they can say it about 3000 times per day. Score one for feminists everywhere.